THE MYSTICAL MISADVENTURES OF A MISFIT (WHAT I LEARNED WHEN I WAS DUMB)

Attention. I love the way the Moon's illumination captures mine. Glowing between the trees behind a pitch black backdrop. I'm enamored by its beauty. All the while knowing my captivation is built on manufactured vanity. They made the Moon. All of this shit is simulated. When I finally started paying attention, everything started making so much sense. And the more sense I gained, the more questions arrived.

My curiosity has been brewing since my toddler years. I seen things and naturally my inquisitive mind sparked. Wondering how, why, what, who — and most importantly, questioning where I came from.

Everyone's dumb until they get smart. All of my lessons are repeats and refresher courses. Every step of the way feels like "I've been here before." "I remember this." "I'm very familiar with this one." I know it seems as if I have my head in the clouds all the time. Because I do. While also having a toe in the physical realm.

One major lesson I've gained through repetition: you gotta have that balance or you'll always miss the plot. People that have no clue anything is going on are the most irritating to me. Then I remind myself that I was also, at one time, dumb. And that is what cools my fumes. I humbly admit my dumbness because I know someone is going to hear it and feel confident enough to accept their own ignorance, then choose to learn.

I'm a student more than I am a teacher. It's through my humility and bravery to learn out loud that makes me a teacher. When you live and you learn, then devote your time to sharing what you learn for others' gain, you capture attention. People listen to people who know. Being a teacher is a sacred practice. A life ritual that you select for the sake of collective growth. Knowledge is contagious. The satisfaction of awareness. The gratitude of being in on something. You start to crave it. Once you choose to start learning you consent to the universe always teaching you. Every second is the lesson.

My attentiveness has gotten me into trouble. It makes people uncomfortable when they find out that I know. It sparks a silent quest to discover what else I know. The sage that hides in plain sight. The secret mystic.

I used to think I was obligated to share everything I learn. My ancestors been teaching me otherwise.

Everything ain't for everybody. 

Sometimes I failed to recognize when circumstances were orchestrated in the ethers — coordinated plays by the ancestors, arranged well above my reach. I know my cleverness at times has alluded to it being all me pulling the strings. Psychological strategy and elemental manipulation was actually just Divine destiny. It was above me. Especially in those times when I was looking around for hidden cameras or little elves.

I understand how it would appear lucky. The truth is I live my life in the as if. I live my life as if I am actually living the life I desire. Because I am. That is why the universe is always making plays behind the scenes. The divine is conspiring with me.

When we think in absolutes, we conspire against ourselves. What we narrate as happening to us is just happening. Feeling like a victim to circumstances is what attracts more of the same. More adversity to teach you how to move in spite of it. How to show up. How to think like everything is always happening in your favor. External circumstances will shift and move outside of your grip. The place where you find your power is in what you can control. When you recognize limited thinking you are meant to challenge it with limitless thinking. You can't keep telling ghost stories and keep wondering why you're always being haunted.

When your mind is cluttered you have no room for clarity. Every night you should be clearing your mind and resetting your energy. That's how you close out the day and make space for what's to come. When you remain attached to what was, the present gets compromised by old energy. Set yourself free every night. Declare that you'll return whole when you wake. Release what you don't want. Welcome the day with fresh intentions and a clear mind. That's my secret sauce for a prosperous day.

I started teaching assumption magic a few years ago, and I swear it's part of my holy grail. I think the reality I want into the 3D, because I am living as such in the 5D.

Now I remember why I hated school. Since elementary I been disinterested in what they were teaching from textbooks. It all felt so fake. You know what never felt fake though? Whatever's inside me. A little voice. Sometimes a loud one. Heart palpitations. Butterflies in the stomach. A subtle squeeze of the gut. I can't deny when I know. All the times I did in the past, I regretted it. Usually kicking myself for not trusting what my body was telling me. That is how your higher self speaks to you. Through physical feeling. Through the body, before the brain even gets involved.

It's the one thing that held me together back in LA. Way before I even knew I was being targeted, I was receiving intuitive downloads. What made the psychic insight most compelling was the omens and literal signs I would capture at exactly the right time. Calling it anything other than divine alignment would be intentional contradiction. There ain't that many coincidences in the world. It's been like that all my life. A license plate, a billboard, a particular song at the perfect moment.

It was always other people's disbelief that fed my own self-doubt. I was uncomfortable being seen as crazy. Now I don't give a damn. Because I know better. What made believing in Spirit Guides any different than believing in the Holy Spirit? It's all spiritual. It's all unseen. My disbelief in Christian faith left a bad taste in people's mouths. They were the first ones to break my heart. The Christians.

Every church I went to I carried this sparkle of hope that I would find my place. Nope. It was always the same. I didn't want to be glorified. I wanted to be accepted for who I was. I stood out too much. Too quirky, too goofy, too awkward, too pretty, too raw. Way too much whimsy. Always telling it like it is. No filter. That's what got them riled up the most.

I didn't know everything. What I did know, I wasn't afraid to speak on. Some people despised me for it. The Christians treated me like the red headed stepchild who lacked guidance or intellect. I was offended. Because I was colorful they assumed I was ditzy. So when I was given prophecies they rejected them. When I was shown visions I was accused of blasphemy. When I received dreams they called it an overactive imagination.

In hindsight, I am disgusted at how many people fucking gaslit me. It wasn't that they didn't believe me. They knew it was truth I spoke. They just hated that I was the messenger.

(Full Essay Available in Planet Wolf's next release 6.14.26)